Modern Guide to Killing Vampires


What do hardwood trees, silver, fire, and salt have in common? As any Supernatural fan will tell you, they are all methods for killing different monsters. Hardwood stakes into the hearts of vampires, silver bullets for werewolves, and fire and salt on the ghosts’ corpses. But there is another similarity between these tools of monster slaying; they all have some measure of antibacterial properties. Trees developed them for survival, salt and silver have ions that can penetrate bacteria cells and do damage, and fire will kill almost anything alive. 

Given this evidence, I propose two new theories. One, monsters that can transmit their condition are carriers of unique bacterial infections. Two, based on that theory, these kinds of monsters can be killed without the hassle of specialized tools. Common cleaning agents, like bleach, Windex, and Lysol Wipes should do the trick. Penicillin might even work, as long as you make sure the monster in question takes the full course of medicine. The last thing we need is drug-resistant strains of vampirism. 

So, if you find yourself locked in a janitor’s closet with a monster banging down the door, know that you have an arsenal at your disposal. I recommend starting with a long-distance weapon first, such as a spray, before resorting to hand-to-hand combat with your trusty Lysol Wipe pocket square. Good luck!


Photo by Niranjan _ Photographs on Unsplash