Pineapples (derogatory) the Fake Apple: Write Like a Writer Portfolio Piece


Reason one: It is spiky.

The first time I tried to pick up a pineapple I got a splinter from one of its spikes. It hurt more than a regular splinter for some reason. Why even try to cut the pineapple open for a fruit bowl when it just stabs you. 

Reason two: Pineapple tries to eat you. 

You know the tingly feeling on your tongue when you have a pineapple, that is bromelain. This collection of enzymes breaks down protein chains resulting in the breaking down of your own skin. It is so strong that people who process pineapples have to wear gloves and face masks or else the bromelain will eat their skin. The only reason it doesn’t destroy our intestines is because stomach acid neutralizes the bromelain making it no longer so acidic that it EATS YOUR SKIN. However if you have acid reflux, well good luck if you have pineapple even weekly because you will likely destroy your intestines. Also, bromelain is horrible on its own. It is known to cause many reactions to the human body including headaches, skin eating, nausea, diarrhea, and indigestion. Not only does it cause damage on its own but when combined with certain medications that contain amoxicillin and tetracycline it causes bloody nose, fever, chills, and dizziness. Bromelain also causes an increased risk in tooth decay and can accelerate that process. Like, come on, I don’t want to go to the dentist just because of a stupid pineapple!

Reason three: Texture.

It is a stringy and chewy texture but it is also filled with juice. And I will say stringy, chewy, and juicy is not a good mix. The stringiness and chewiness gets stuck in your teeth. It is also very sticky and squishumply. And yes I will make up words to describe my pure hatred for pineapples. 

Reason four: It just tastes bad!

It’s sour and tingly. Like wayyyy to sour. And it’s not a good sour like sour patch kids. Its mixture of tangy, sweet, and sour just makes a horrible combination of flavors that is heightened by the strength of the taste. UGGGGGHHHHHH. The taste will just stick to your tongue and no matter HOW MUCH other food you eat, it all has the slight taste haunting of pineapple. 

Reason five: 

Even though it’s edible (barely) doesn’t mean you should eat it. Technically I can eat tree bark, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. Yes, I can have unsweetened chocolate, but it is just so incredibly bitter. Same thing applies to pineapples (and coffee). And other things that humans were like, “oh this is poisonous, well let’s see how to not make it poisonous.” Think of how they had to learn that pineapple is possibly deadly. There was probably some dude named Dave in the 3000s BCE with acid reflux but didn’t know it (because acid reflux was only discovered 100 YEARS AGO) and loved pineapples until one day, BAM, he didn’t have his intestines anymore. And his friends probably thought he died by a witch. 

And yes, I am publishing this on Friday the 13th because it is just that horrible.

Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash