Which Type of Meditator Are You?

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Riley Bishop, Writer

Different Types of Meditators

There are many different reasons why people meditate. For some, they want to practice Buddhism. For others, they want to enhance their focus, reduce stress, and improve productivity. Then there are people who will be in Barnes & Noble and read a magazine cover saying “10 reasons how Meditation can improve your life!” and without even buying or reading the magazine they give it a whirl. Regardless, meditation is a skill that requires practice. The goal is to clear the mind. As simple as this may sound, it is very challenging. 

Here I came up with a list of different kinds of meditators; see if you can relate to one!

 

1. The “One-Time” Meditator

This person is the one I just described. They walked into Barnes and Noble, saw an inspiring magazine cover, tried it, and unfortunately went something like this: 

Ok, so I guess I start meditating now… so I’m supposed to be calm or whatever. Wait but what am I supposed to be thinking about? Nothing? Ok… nothing… I’m thinking of nothing… Barnes & Noble is so expensive, the book I bought was 30 dollars. That’s a lot of money! Why did I even buy that book? I don’t even have time in my day to sit down and read. Wait, what am I doing, I’m literally wasting my time. I’m going to get my money’s worth and go read that book.

 

2. The “Hungry” Meditator

This is the type of person who had just enough time right before dinner to start: 

… Calm…. I’m calm… deep breaths… 1, 2, 3, 

*stomach growls*

Cheesecake…. Why did I think that? Anyways… calm… pancakes- cheesecake in pancakes! Cheesecake pancakes! Oh wow that sounds great, I can have it with whipped cream on top- add a cherry… oh my gosh that sounds so good”

“Hey, mom? I have an idea for dinner!”

 

3. The “Fidgety” Meditator

This is the type of person who can’t sit still even if their life depended on it. 

Ok, so I’ll sit criss-cross applesauce. I’m hunched over– I’ll straighten my back… wow this is uncomfortable. I hate this. Would a chair be better? 

*sits in chair*

… ok, much better. Feet flat on the floor, back against the backrest… oh wait, I’m still supposed to have a straight back even though I’m in a chair. It’s still uncomfortable! Ok, I’ll try it lying down. 

* lies on tile floor*

Oh my god, my floor is freezing. I should get my yoga mat… ok I got my yoga mat. My head is not supported at all! Should I have a pillow? 

*timer goes off*

Oh cool, I finished my session!

 

4. The “Trying” Meditator 

This type of person believes in spirituality, but they always forget to meditate. Also, they’re not even entirely sure how to do it. Their sessions would sometimes go like this: 

… breathe… just breathe… that’s what I’m supposed to be telling myself, right? Or do I count? Can I do both in the same session? Whatever. You’re fine. Let’s count. 1, 2, 3, wait- do I just count breaths? Or do I breathe in for 2, and out for 2? Am I supposed to hold my breath? Like- in, 1, 2, hold, 1, 2, out, 1, 2,… is that right? No, it’s four! In 1, 2, hold, 3… Do I hold on three and breathe out on four? Ok never mind with the numbers… breath….

 

5. The “Anxious” Meditator

This type of person truly believes in meditation but has such a busy schedule that they can’t actually learn to enjoy the experience. They actually spend a majority of their time stressing about when they’ll be able to meditate. 

Oh thank god, I finally have time to sit down and relax… relax… I can’t believe I got another one of my physics problems wrong today. Ok, that was a thought – label it thought – and slowly… slowly go back to being calm… calm… I haven’t worked out yet. Should I walk outside after this? Is it too cold? Ok, stay in the present. Stay within this moment. Oh my God, my room is so messy I need to clean it today. Should I do that before or after my homework? 

*ding* 

Duolingo won’t leave me alone! I know I need to practice French, but could you give me a minute? I’m relaxing! Oh no, I just remembered, I’m supposed to be at a Zoom meeting right now!

 

6. The “Distracted” Meditator

This is the type of person who tries to meditate to help with focus, but can’t pay attention for more than 2 seconds. 

Ok so someone said that meditation will help my focus so here we go- there’s a bird out the window! I wonder what kind it is- it’s blue- probably a Blue Jay. I wonder why they’re called Blue Jays. I mean, they are blue so that makes sense, but are all of them named Jay? Do they know their name is Jay? Do other birds call them Jay? Do other birds speak to each other? Do other animals speak to each other? Can birds communicate with squirrels? Can humans communicate with squirrels? Do squirrels speak squirrelish? Can I learn squirrelish? 

Mom: “Hi honey how is your meditation-” 

*gets up and starts running outside* 

“I’M GOING TO GO TALK TO THE SQUIRRELS!”

 

7. The “Sleepy” Meditator 

This is the person who tries to meditate right before they go to sleep and every time they fall asleep while meditating and have zero recollection of actually meditating.

Perfect time to meditate- my day is over, I have nothing to worry about, I can just sit down and relax… relax… sitting here is a little uncomfortable, maybe I should just lay down- much better. This is more relaxing. 

*falls asleep*

 

8. The “Perfect” Meditator 

This is the person who is ALWAYS calm. The world could be ending the next day and they’d say something like, “But we still got today! Am I right?” They’re always optimistic. These are the people who mastered the skill of meditation. They’re practically monks. They’ve successfully become enlightened and found themselves. Their lives are based on spirituality and karma.

 

Ok so it’s annoying me how I didn’t come up with 10 different types because that seems like a good number to end it on. I have only 8 different kinds of meditators which seems super random, but at least it’s better than 9, right?

Thank you to everyone who’s made it this far! Even if you’ve never meditated in your life I’d strongly advise you to give it a try. Who cares if you’re the “one-time” meditator or the “sleepy” type? You’ll never know if you don’t try!

 

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