Clio’s Histories: Spring Initiative

Alice Knowlton, Editor-in-Chief

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Does anyone else ever wander the hallways at school after a vacation or sometimes a long weekend and see people and think, “Oh right, you exist! I forgot”? Because that happens to me a lot, and I’m not sure if I should be more worried about being forgetful or about being a terrible person. Well actually, I never worry about being a terrible person. It just comes naturally. I will admit I missed school a little, and that’s a feeling I’d like to cherish for the rest of its tragically short life expectancy. This time of year, we’re all trying to avoid thinking about how depressed we are that vacation is over, and I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d love to forget this last grading quarter ever happened, so the thing to do is to boldly face the future, fully prepared for pain and disaster but also for some measure of success, just in case we happen to step in it or something. Yes, that’s about as inspirational as I get.

So anyway. Sport. Are you doing sport? I’m doing sport. I won’t say which one because I don’t want crazed fans coming to my practices and throwing off my groove. I’m not sure why I’m doing sport because sport contradicts at least 5 of my personal doctrines; however, nothing terrible has happened as of yet, and the whole thing might serve as a splendid alibi sometime. It’s sometimes worthwhile and often entertaining to step out of one’s comfort zip code once in a while. Sometimes we have to take risks in life, and there’s no better time to do that than when you’re still eligible to be tried as a minor in a court of law. I’m taking risks. Not as many as that time I snowboarded off a roof and narrowly missed a tomato trellis, but still.

I’m moving forward in life by taking steps toward financial responsibility. This spring, I begin a new business venture. I am proud to announce that Clio Industries are now offering personalized rants! For an everyday low price of $10, I, Clio Thomas, will completely tear apart any topic you wish, provided that I know what it is and I don’t think it’s stupid. By the way, if you happen to be reading this and you’re an adult with the power or inclination to get me in trouble for this, please select one of the following excuses:

  1. What? I didn’t write that.
  2. I was kidding! It’s funny! I’m funny!
  3. It’s my pig — you see, the poor baby has a ruptured spleen and whatever will I do? We’re so dreadfully destitute and veterinarians are so expensive, even Bill from down the street who swears he’s almost half a professional, so you see I need the money most desperately or the porcine love of my life may perish forever! (Sparkly tears)

Hey, in this market, if you’ve got a talent, you better be using it to make bank. It’s a pig eat pig world. Opportunities don’t grow on vines. What does grow on a vine? Does squash? Why did early humans even domesticate squash anyway? It’s essentially useless.

Well, anyway, my entirely unsolicited advice to whoever reads this is: don’t let people squash you down. Squash is an inferior vegetable. You’re worth celery at the least. Celery with peanut butter, at that. Doesn’t that make you feel good? I tell myself that in the mirror every morning while I’m quietly playing AC/DC and doing my eyeliner, and it sure makes me feel good.

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