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Clio’s Histories: The Final Volume

Alice K., Writer

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Hey, what do you know, it’s April already. I don’t know if anyone’s been paying attention, but this is a landmark edition of Unleashed for yours truly. This marks the end of 2 years of my rants appearing in Unleashed. I’d like to shout out to my 1.5 fans out there- I couldn’t do it without you. Well, I could, this comes to me naturally, but you know what I mean.

I’m now almost halfway through high school, and I’ve got a horrible feeling that it won’t be long before I’ll be expected to show interest in college, a career, and someday becoming a functioning, productive citizen. What an idea that is. When I was about 12 I was told not only that sarcasm was not a profession, but also that I wouldn’t be able to get a job of any sort if I didn’t put a lid on that particular quality. Ever since, I haven’t had much interest in getting a real job and adulting. I suppose it’s convenient that during the time in our lives when we’re trying to figure out what kind of people we are, we’re constantly being told what kind of people we have to be if we ever want to succeed in life. Sometimes it really does seem like my current achievements and failures even at the age of 16 will have a significant, long-term effect on my future prospects. Such an idea is surely preposterous, right? …right?

Of course, my parents seem to firmly believe that my every class grade and extracurricular activity since grade 3 will have a direct effect on my college education and entire life. I suppose when one attends a prep school for high school, there are certain things one must expect. These include regularly seeing clothing from Vineyard Vines, real cutlery and plates, skis, and golden retrievers. Also, you will be prepared for college. It’s inescapable. High school is 4 years of your life spent getting ready for the next 4 years of your life. When you’re supposed to be so focused on your future, it can be very difficult to stay in the moment. With enough brownies and bed rest, I manage some of the time. That would be my advice to all my loyal followers- this spring, as the cherry trees bloom and the golden retrievers frolic, all you preppies take some time to put on your comfiest polo shirts and plaid shorts, put up your loafer-clad feet, and relax.

With that, I, Clio Thomas, am signing off for the year. I would tell you what I’ll be up to this summer, but I’m contractually forbidden from disclosing any information on the subject. I can promise you that I will have a much cooler vacation than any of you, as per usual.

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Clio’s Histories: The Final Volume