Clio’s Histories: Volume 3

Alice K., Writer

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Oh joy, if it isn’t my favorite time of year. The only good thing about February is… oh wait, there isn’t anything good about February. You might say, “But Clio, Valentine’s Day is in February! It’s so romantic, with the pink and the lace and the chocolate” and all that garbage.

Bah, humbug.

As it happens, I don’t even observe Valentine’s Day. February 14th is Forever Alone Day to me. Call me cynical, but there’s nothing like a holiday celebrating romance to remind people how very alone in the world they are. My doctor has determined that I am in fact violently allergic to the sight of a happy couple frolicking shamelessly in a public place, no matter the day. Seriously, I get hives and regurgitate my loveless porridge breakfast.

In case you were wondering, there is a story behind my passionate dislike of this holiday. This goes back a long, long time. When I was in 6th grade I had a crush on this boy named Owen Peterson, and of course in my innocence I had gotten all my hopes up that he would give me a card on Valentine’s Day. I dressed up all in pink on the 14th (incredible, I know – and now you know why I haven’t worn the color since). I was so excited. I gave Owen a handmade card with lace and everything, and he gave me back this awesome Valentine’s Day cupcake! It looked delicious, so I gobbled it up on the spot. For some reason, Owen gave me a horrified look and scuttled away. I was bemused, so I asked one of his obnoxious friends about it. He said that Owen had written an “I like you” note and put it IN THE CUPCAKE!!! I guess it was his mom’s idea. Of course, by then the note was long gone, and my hopes of romance along with it. You might say my heart shrank 3 sizes that day, leaving me the embittered cynic I am today. Now you know. Don’t poke fun.

So, Happy Forever Alone day, everyone. Keep the PDA in check. And if anyone is looking for me this February 14th, you can expect to find me on my couch with my pet pig watching Romeo and Juliet and laughing wickedly at the ending.

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