Clio’s Histories Volume 2

Alice K., Writer

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So they tell me Thanksgiving is coming up. Let’s talk turkey. I actually love this holiday because it is a time when I give thanks to victoriously eat the flesh of my enemies. I always feel immensely grateful when, around this time each year, I see one of those obnoxious little dinosaurs get stuffed, roasted, and delivered to the ravenous jaws of my extended family.

I make no secret of the fact that I detest turkeys with a deep and ancient loathing, born from my long history of feuding with the repulsive poultry. They are low, nasty, cruel, and ferocious creatures. There are times when I’ll see them creeping around my neighborhood in gangs, and they always rush to me and chase me around, flapping their wings and brandishing their deadly claws. This generally occurs at inopportune moments, like when I’m having an awkward conversation about the leaf collection schedule with the decidedly attractive son of my kindly next door neighbors. Now Scott will forever see me as that girl who ran into the post box while trying to escape a small assault force of fowl. The bruise on my leg will heal, but the iron has truly entered my soul with regards to my feelings towards turkeys. They are the devil. Had they become the national bird of the US, I would move to Scotland, where the national bird is, in fact, a unicorn.

So now you know how I feel about Thanksgiving. It is the day when we the people strike back against fearful oppression. It is a joyous holiday of triumph and celebration. Those feathery jerks won’t know what hit them. Heh heh heh heh heh…

Also, aside from that, the vacation is lovely. It provides ample time to indulge my favorite hobbies, such as sitting in my room for hours on the internet while casually drooling out of the side of my mouth, reconnaissance on my orthodontist who any day now I will prove to be a sadistic form of artificial intelligence escaped from a lab somewhere and rap battling for high stakes.

By the way, I feel I should include a public service announcement in here: if any of you happen to see me running around your backyard wielding a broadsword or large double edged battle ax, screaming that the age of the poultry overlords is finished, don’t worry about it. It will just mean that the turkey purge has begun. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

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